The Family I Choose
Circumstances made us friends, love makes us family.
When Kristen called last week to ask me to be by her side at the hospital before and during her mother’s surgery, I didn’t hesitate. When I got to the hospital, Kristen’s mom wanted to make sure I knew that she could have two companions go back to pre-op with her, but they both had to be family, so she told the staff I was her niece. “Of course!” I said. “That’s practically true, anyway.”
Kristen and I have been friends since 1980 and “cousins” since 1984. One Saturday, Kristen joined my family for an adventure in Chicago and on the way home to the northwest burbs, we stopped in River Forest to have dinner at my grandma’s house. As we were sitting around the dining room table, enjoying spaghetti with Uncle Joe’s sausage, talking about what a special treat the sausage was, and sharing stories about being Italian Americans, Kristen started talking about Tufano’s, which is her relatives’ restaurant in Chicago’s Little Italy, aka the old neighborhood.
“We used to sell sausage to Tufano’s,” said Uncle Joe, who lived with my grandma. The revelation hit us immediately. “Ha! My uncle sold sausage to your cousins! Our relatives are from the same part of Italy. I bet we’re related! No wonder we get along so well,” Kristen and I quickly concluded.
All these years later, we still joke about that night, bringing it up as evidence, real or imagined, of our bond. While we’re probably not related by blood, we are more than friends and, arguably, more than family. We are chosen family.
Kristen and I have always been there for one another at all the big important milestones. She was my maid of honor, and I was hers. She brought lunch to me at the hospital the day after my son was born and was among the first people to meet him. She is also named as one of my son’s guardians, if something were to happen to my husband and me. (God forbid.) When my grandparents died, Kristen was there at the wake and the funeral.
Of course, we’ve had all kinds of fun in all the little moments in between the milestones too. Making up reasons to walk past the houses of our high school crushes. Taking joy rides to Chicago and back in Kristen’s royal blue Camaro. Enjoying movies in the park. Going to a high school football game. Celebrating birthdays. Riding bikes along a river path. Running errands. Catching up over sandwiches in our favorite booth at Russell’s BBQ. Going up to Lake Geneva at the drop of a hat. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing.
Kristen doesn’t drink. Alcohol doesn’t agree with her. She is teeny tiny and a delicate flower in many ways. She wore my wedding dress, but only after she had it remade to be three sizes smaller. She needs 9 hours of sleep. She eats like a bird, but she has breakfast every day (from McDonald’s). She doesn’t turn left. Her favorite band is The Samples, but she also loves heavy metal. She’s a great driver, but she almost never makes left hand turns. She is prone to motion sickness. Her memory is phenomenal. She is one of a tiny percentage of people who has the uncanny ability to tell you what she was wearing and doing on this day last year. If I need to know where I was at this time at any point in history, she could probably tell me. I trust her memory more than I trust my own.
Although I don’t need it, and if you have good female friends, you probably don’t either, there’s scientific evidence to back up the importance of female friendships. Studies show that when women hang out with their close female friends, they get a boost in “feel good hormones” like serotonin and oxytocin (the bonding hormone) and a reduction in cortisol (the stress hormone). Their blood pressure and cholesterol levels go down too. With that in mind, it’s no surprise that women with close female friendships tend to live 60 percent longer.
Here's what I know with or without a study: Kristen is essential to me. We know each other inside and out. I have no secrets from her. She knows my heart. She knows who and what I love and why. She knows where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going. She knows when to challenge me, when to ask questions, and when to just listen. I know the same about her. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Happy Birthday dear friend! Thank you for the gift of your friendship. Wishing you many more years of love, good health, and happiness. — Teresa
People don’t often get to hear how much they are appreciated by their friends. This is a lovely tribute.
What a lovely tribute, Theresa! You're blessed to have one another - family by choice!